I Get Angry Often: How Can I Control My Anger

General unhappiness arises because of very own self-destructive behaviours, it isn’t a good feeling to have because you can start to feel like that your life sucks – even though it doesn’t really! But what I’m talking about here is anger, rage and frustration and our ability to control anger.

Whether you’re feeling angry at someone, or because of some one, or because of a situation, the bottom line is that it boils down to a few things. Anger is the release of the built-up emotions from the accumulation of your self-destructive behaviours over time.

Just to revisit, your self-destructive behaviours include:

  • External Expectations
  • Controlling others or events (ego)
  • Passive-aggressive behaviour
  • Victim mentality
  • External validation (look mommy I was a good boy)
  • Leeching value
  • Scarcity mentality
  • Negative self-talk
  • Self limiting beliefs
  • Harboring fear

Most of these can cause you to be angry. But it’s the first three that can really take you from a generally unhappy person to an angry old man type of person, or even a raging bull! Creating expectations from others, trying to control others or other situations, or becoming passive aggressive, don’t just lead you to be unhappy. They make you angry!

We get angry when other people don’t meet our expectations, or situations and events don’t unfold the way we imagine them to be. It’s really no different to when we were young, as little kids, and didn’t get what we want.

Notice how angry, upset or frusturated toddlers or young kids can be if they don’t get what they want. You’ve no doubt seen your share of tantrums, drama, and even raging fits. Depending on how well they’ve learnt to control their emotions, things can be as less dramatic.

But as we grow up we learn to control our emotions. That’s exactly what happens, or does it?! As adults, we might be good at suppressing these emotions. Unfortunately suppression can lead to outbursts of anger, or even rage.

But one thing is evident. We’re actually still not very different to when we were young kids. It’s just that under this fasade it’s a little hard to see, after all, we still can’t seem to control anger if we don’t get what we want.

The difference between kids and adults is that not only has our ability to suppress emotions increased, so has our ego. So in essence anger is the outcome of the blow to our egos. In other words, our ego gets hurt… so we get angry… then we react negatively. Then the outcome from this is… well you’ve been there and done that right?

Most issues that surround us, although we think come from external sources, eventually lead back to us. The longer we put up a fight against this truth, the longer we will struggle. This is the core of recognising that it’s all about the internal and not the external.

 

Short bursts of anger that could arise from a random situation

It’s still not very different to any long term build up of anger that arises from any day-to-day situation you may be facing. It still boils down to the three things outlined above and the root cause being blow to your ego. That is you’ve created expectations from others, you’re trying to control others or other situations, or you’re becoming passive aggressive.  Once again, it hurts your ego, so you lash back.

Okay, so what about the solution. We’ve found some of the issues that may be acting as the root cause to your anger problems. Note I haven’t’ covered alcohol. If you’re the angry drunk, then you’ve got a whole set of other issues to worry about also. But for now, let’s assume you’re just an angry old mule when you’re sober.

How do I control Anger Smily

Controlling Anger 101!

If you’re feeling hard core right now and you’re up for getting really philosophical, then the solution is simple. Let go of the I. Let go of the ego, and connect with the external, rather than trying to control the external.

But if you’re not feeling so hard-core, then I suggest you take it one step at a time. So let’s look a ta few practical options here to help control anger.

Passive Aggressive Behaviour

It’s time to ask yourself if you are you too afraid to face the truth or speak it out? Do you worry about trying to be the nice guy? So do you, instead of confronting the issues let it boil inside of you, causing more resentment? Maybe this is building up and causing you to lose control of your temper.

When negative emotions from your passive aggressive behaviour continue to build up, this can be reflected through anger. So the solution really is simple. Don’t be passive aggressive.

It’s time to either confront the root issues or people that you have built up resentment for, or you forgive and move on.  is also stemmed from an underlying issue which hasn’t risen to the surface.  Two things you can really do here, if you want to stop having anger issues. one is confront. Other is forgive and move on.

Frame

Frame is your little shell that you operate in. I like to visualise my frame as this clear shell around me, like an egg that surrounds me. I let in what I want into the shell. What I let in is respectful, mutual, and pleasant conversation. But most people will try to break your frame, your shell. They will criticise you, curse at you, or be ‘mean’ to you in some way shape or form. I.e. they will try to hurt your ego. It’s up to you to strengthen your frame by not letting words effect it.

If I’m getting angry or upset at other’s words, then I know my frame is cracking. I can visually see that my shell is cracking. I need to make it stronger. The following will show you how to make it stronger.

Amused Mastery

Living in a state of amused mastery is awesome. You look at situations and you simply find them amusing.

Amusement is the intersection of curiosity, weird and funny. A clown (to most) is amusing. A street performer dressed up as a clown, wearing his underwear on the outside, doing a funny cartwheel is even more amusing. But not only is this situation amusing, but so is any situation where other people are just being overly emotional, or at least that’s how you should see it– especially when they are overly emotional for no apparent reason.

Amused mastery is the ability to transform any conversation or situation into an amusing one. For example if you partner has a go at you, for example, for forgetting to take the rubbish out. Then you’re rebuttal shouldn’t be to respond to defend or explain yourself, or get angry. But one that makes light of such a petty issue. Mind you – this doesn’t unburden you of taking ownership of your responsibilities!

What it does mean is you will still take the rubbish out, but you’ll do it with style!

Another situation is if a colleague is pissed off at you for no apparent reason. Well the first reaction shouldn’t be to respond with the same amount of anger. Instead would be consider the situation quite hilarious actually- a fully grown adult, being angry, at you, also a fully grown adult, for no reason, instead of using straight forward face to face communication – aka talking!

Amused mastery isn’t to make light of the situation, it’s not about making other people feel bad. Nor does it give you the right to ignore their emotions. It is to simply reflect that what is done, cannot be undone. You can either chose to be a grumpy old man about it, or learn from the experience and move on, while remaining calm as the gentle ocean breeze. A true stoic.

Is it true though?

Ask yourself if what people are saying is really true. If what they are saying is true, then accept it. So if you don’t like that fact then force yourself to do something about it. If it’s not true, then why worry? This is where amused mastery can really help. In this case you don’t need to learn how to control anger but to start practicing amused mastery.

Becoming a master of empathy and deep listening can really help understand other peoples perspective. I urge to learn empathy and the art of deep listening.

Meditation

Well meditation has many benefits. It’ll go a long way in helping you achieve true enlightenment after all. But for now consider that it should at least help you develop your frame, help you relax, help build stoicism, therefore helps you control anger.

 

In Conclusion

Anger can be built up over time, manifested slowly through our self destructive behaviours. Although we learn to suppress it as adults, anger can be released as an outburst or as pure rage. This is mainly when we don’t get what we want, we try to control others but fail to do so, or we try to control other situation but they don’t unfold as we’d expect. So our emotions explode. The bigger the blow to our ego, the bigger the outburst! The less we can control anger!

The first step to controlling your anger issues is to recognise the ego exists and the truth is that at the root cause, anger is the direct blow to our ego in some way shape or form.

The second step, if you’ve been suppressing anger is to recognise the situations that caused the anger to build up. At this point, it’s best to either confront the issue or forgive so you can move on.

The third step is to recognise your self destructive behaviours that cause your emotions to build up over time. Start removing these self-destructive behaviours. The following behaviours are especially important to tackle:

The fourth step doesn’t just control anger it helps to channel the  frustration into something constructive and which helps build a better character – e.g. sports, physical activities, or anything that takes you to full exhaustion.

Remembering that the ego is the main driver for anger, you need to stop living off the external and move to the internal. Recognise that everything that happens to us is linked back to how we react. Eventually you’ll realise that you, the one that creates the reaction to an event, is the only thing that gets in the way of the outcome you get.

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